Category: General fuckery

A couple of friends thought my previous Man Club Tips article was hilarious and wanted advice on what to do once they started dating a person more long-term. Really??? They’re asking me? Ok, but they probably would be better off reevaluating their life choices.

So, now you’ve found yourself in a relationship. How do you manage expectations while maintaining a certain amount of freedom? Admittedly, if you’re still worried about your freedom, are you sure you should be in a relationship? Whatever! Here are a few pointers from Uncle Patrick.  🙂

 

Lower expectations

Simply put, keep ’em guessing. If you’re punctual, your significant other will come to expect you to always be on time. Work on the premise that schedules aren’t ‘set in stone’ and are always subject to last minute changes.

Another tip on lowering expectations has to do with chores around the house. If you really don’t want to do a particular chore, put in a little extra effort into fucking it up. If you pull it off correctly, your significant other won’t let you do that chore again.

‘Forget’ important dates. Focus instead on surprising your mate with tokens of your ‘love’. A random card, flowers for no reason, a dinner date out of the blue… these things should be done with enough frequency so as to mitigate any ill feelings for ‘forgetting’ those aforementioned important dates. You have to replace one with the other.

 

What’s for dinner?

What guy hasn’t asked his woman what she wants to eat and was met with ‘I don’t know, what do you want?’ And then, when you tell her what you’d like to eat, she replies with something like ‘I don’t like that’, or ‘I want something else but don’t know what.’ It’s enough to drive you mad! But, all is not lost. Here’s a trick I learned many years ago. When she asks you ‘what’s for dinner?’, you respond with, ‘guess where we’re going for dinner?’ Now, pay attention to her responses! She’ll tell you what she really wants to eat by trying to ‘guess’ where you’re taking her.

 

Dealing with past relationships

Inevitably it will happen. That moment when your significant other mentions a former partner. How do you handle the moment? Sure, you can be mature about how you choose to handle this situation, but what fun is that? Try associating a negative idea or feeling when he or she mentions a former lover. Every time that person is mentioned, associate a sad story or insinuate that the person was/is stupid, mentally ill, etc. This places your significant other into a position to either defend the former lover or to repress commenting in the first place. If she values your relationship, she would be very hesitant to defend the former lover. Either way, you win.

 

Anti-social behavior

It’s been said that marriage is an anti-social behavior. All of your male friends are now considered ‘bad influences’. On the other hand, her female and male friends aren’t. Not exactly a fair situation, right? The solution is to level the playing field. This calls for finding new friends that are a lot worse than your original friends. By comparison, your old friends will look like saints. The hope is that she relents somewhat and ‘tolerates’ your old friends on the condition that you get rid of the new ones.

Another tactic is to thin out her group of friends. If she has a girlfriend that you find completely annoying, this is your opportunity to get rid of her. Be sure to compliment her girlfriend by saying things like ‘she’s really cute in that outfit’, or ‘if anything ever happens to us, I’d like to go out with her’. There’s nothing like a jealous wife/girlfriend and her paranoia.

More to follow…

 

 

I was chatting recently with a friend of mine. He’s a single guy and was lamenting about how difficult it was to find available women. After making a few sarcastic jabs at him… because that’s what close friends do… I gave him a few pointers. Now keep in mind, guys being guys, we tend to be more caveman-like when we are talking amongst ourselves and full knuckle dragging usually ensues!

Here are a few ‘pearls of wisdom’ I bestowed upon him…

Bar name

If you’re just playing the field and not interested in an ongoing relationship, you may want to consider using a bar name. A bar name is nothing more than a made up name that you go by when doing the bar scene. If someone tries to track you down using the internet, etc., you won’t be found. If you want to be a true player, you have to up your game with fictitious business cards containing your bar name and some sort of believable business title, a burner cell phone number, and an email address (used only for dating purposes). Keep it simple.

Booger-Bear

A Booger-Bear is someone that hangs on you in a bar that you’re really not interested in pursuing romantically. You don’t want to be blunt and hurt this person’s feelings, but at the same time, don’t want to continue talking to them. What to do? Well, you walk the person over to a group of other people you casually know and introduce her to them. As they’re exchanging pleasantries, you step away quickly and ditch her. This is in effect, wiping her off on someone else… hence the term Booger-Bear.

Produce aisle

So, where should you look for women? Most men do not like to shop. Consequently, women are typically the ones that dominate the male-to-female ratios in most shopping environments… with a few notable exceptions. The produce aisle is a prime location to find women. ‘Why?’, you ask. Well, think about it… if they’re in the fresh produce aisle 1) they’re probably a good cook, 2) are into a healthier lifestyle, 3) depending upon the time of day, are single, a stay-at-home mom, or retired. Pick the one that suits your needs.

How does one approach a female in the produce aisle? Here’s the cave-man answer… ask for her opinion about produce selection. Women like having their opinions valued. When a man timidly smiles and asks her opinion, it places the woman in a position of dominance. She has the upper hand in this situation. Depending upon how she responds to you (if she smiles, turns red, plays with her hair, etc.), you’ll know if she’s receptive to you. It’s now up to you to go forward, soldier! Just don’t overplay your hand.

Ice cream aisle

Much like the produce aisle, we have the ice cream aisle. The difference here is that this is the aisle you want to leave alone. The women here are divided into two primary groups. One group is just there to grab ice cream and be on their way. The second group is looking to fill an inner void, sadness, or perhaps unfulfilled dreams. Let us examine this exotic creature in her habitat.

First group

Lady is passing through the aisle and very briefly looks at the ice cream before tossing a container or two into her shopping cart and is merrily on her way, quick and efficient! Clearly she has no time to waste on deciding what flavor she wants. Most likely, she’s grabbing either chocolate or vanilla ice cream, no frills or thrills here.

Second group

This lady may be nicely dressed but usually looks like she just crawled out of bed. Perhaps she’s still wearing sweat pants and not wearing make-up. She spends a fair amount of time looking at all the varieties… contemplating which flavor would best fill her particular sorrow. Sure, she may still look kind of attractive at this point, but in a few short months…! Jenny Craig will come to know her on a first name basis. Give her time. Let her work through her demons. Perhaps, if you’re lucky, you’ll see her soon in the produce aisle.

Now, I do want to be fair. A lot of this can also apply to men. Women look for men in hardware stores, and sometimes in auto parts stores. Logic would dictate that men found in these locations, know how to fix things. What woman doesn’t like a man who can do chores around the house?