Series: My brother, the Gunny.

My brother is a moron. That’s right, I said it. We’re family and I love him, but he’s still touched in the head. Tony is the middle child in our family and he always had to be at the center of attention. I’ve compiled a few stories for your consumption.
Never, and I mean never, go out to eat with my brother. Drive thru windows aren’t safe either. We were out together one day and decided to get something to eat. Pulling into a Wendy’s drive thru, he place his order. “Yes, I’d like a number two combo, large, with a coke. And don’t be stingy with the chili sauce either!” He then turned to me and asked, “Hey, you want anything?”
Seriously? I’m going to order something after he was an ass at a drive thru window? Those guys make minimum wage. Do you think they’d give a damn or think twice before screwing with your order?
“No, thanks, I’m good.” I replied.

He did the same thing once at a Carl’s Jr. After placing his order, he finished by telling the order taker, “And don’t put any of that goddamn secret sauce on it either!”
Good move, Tony! I’m sure they’re not inside, lining up to spit on your order… Dumbass.

3 Replies to “Series: My brother, the Gunny.”

  1. My brother has a way of doing things to cause a stink… literally. It’s his way of saying he likes you.
    One afternoon I was watching TV when the phone rang. I saw from the caller ID that it was from my brother so I answered.
    “Patrick! You know what the hell your brother just did?????” screamed his wife Kelly through the phone.
    “Hey, you married the guy. What do you want me to do about it?” I replied.
    “Listen to what he just did to me!” she said.
    “Ok…” Hell, in all honesty, I didn’t have anything else to do and she was pissed. I figured this might be fun.
    “I was in taking a shower, all by myself…” she started out saying.
    “Get to the point, Kelly. The sun is going down.” I sarcastically replied.
    “Shut it, mister! Shut your damned pie hole and listen!” Yeah, she was mad. Kelly was a Navy Corpsman, a psych tech (Marine Certified) to be exact. She was used to other people’s attitude and she wasn’t having any of mine or my brother’s.
    “Go ahead….” I knew this had to be good.
    “I was taking a damned shower and all of a sudden this god awful smell started choking me. I was like WTF??? So I pulled the shower curtain back and saw YOUR brother taking a shit! Right there… while I was taking a shower!!!” Her voice trailed off in a high pitched squeak.
    “Kelly, did you lock the door?” I asked.
    ‘No!” she said.
    “Then it’s your own damned fault. You know how Tony is…. YOU married him!” I shot back. Kelly hung up. She should have known she’d get no sympathy from me.

  2. My sister’s home backs up to a canyon preserve. In that area of San Diego, they launch a lot of hot air balloons. The balloonists like to dip down into the canyons and ride them out until the canyons narrow and the balloons rise up and over, only to dip into another canyon.

    On this particular day, my sister was videotaping our little gathering in her back yard. We watched as one of these balloons dipped into the canyon. We could hear the folks in the gondola talking. Everything they said carried over the distance easily. As they reached the far canyon wall, the balloon operator gave a few long blasts of flame to the balloon, trying to give it more lift to make it over the canyon wall. The balloon didn’t rise and we could hear the ten or so passengers start to get scared. Too late… The gondola hit the gently sloping canyon wall and started dragging the passengers up the slope.

    My brother, being the empathetic guy that he is, began to yell at the balloonists… “Throw the fat one out! Throw the fat one out!” Tony kept yelling. He must have yelled that a dozen times or more. Eventually the balloon came to a stop and a chase truck picked up the passengers and another truck retrieved the balloon. Yeah, he’s a real piece of work.

  3. Tony is a retired Gunnery Sargent. He served for twenty-three years. He left the Corps in 2007 and I’m still hearing about some of the stuff he did while in the Corps. Tony was stationed at Camp Pendleton, Ca. for a few years. During that part of his career, he was a Crew Chief and an instructor out on Pendleton. I went to visit him at his place up in Oceanside one sunny afternoon. As I went up the pathway to his apartment, he and one of his Marine Corps instructor buddies were outside chatting. We were introduced to one another.
    “So, you’re Gunny’s little brother?”
    “Yes, but that shouldn’t be held against me.” I replied
    “You know your brother is one sick puppy?” He asked.
    “I knew something was wrong with him but couldn’t quite put my finger on it…” was my apologetic reply.
    “Do you know what he did to a young soldier the other day???” He asked.
    Looking over at Tony, I saw that he had a stupid smirk on his face and his eyes told me what I was about to hear was probably true.
    “Ok, what the hell did he do this time?” I asked.
    It turns out, Tony had scolded a young soldier in his training class. He berated the young man to ‘straighten your shit out’… Because he (Tony) wasn’t his damned mother and wouldn’t take care of him. All of that occurred on front if the class. After the class was over, the soldier Tony had yelled at, knocked on the door of the office that housed the instructors at the back of the classroom. Once, admitted in, he began to complain that ‘Gunny’ had insulted him and that ‘Gunny’ should know he didn’t appreciate it when his mother was brought in the mix… and that his mother was dead.
    “And do you know what your brother said to him?” asked his friend.
    “No, but I’m betting it wasn’t something you could repeat in church…” I said with a smile while looking Tony squarely in the eye.
    His instructor friend continued… “Gunny Yoda (that was my brother’s moniker in the Corps), stood up and started yelling at the kid. He said, ‘I don’t give two shits about your dead mother! See this spoon? I’ll dig her goddamn ass up; pop her fuckin’ eyeballs out with this spoon and skull fuck her! Get the fuck outta my office!'”
    “No freakin’ way, dude! That’s so cold!” was my response in disbelief.
    “Yeah, we love Gunny around the office.” the friend replied.

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